Making Sense...

Everyday is a struggle sabi nila.. I agree naman. Pero ang struggle ba would hinder you to have fun? I don't think so.. Mahirap talaga ang buhay ng isang researcher, lalo na kung ang show mo ay isang magazine show na kelangan lahat ng story ay bago, kakaiba, at talagang exciting.. Ang sabi ko "mahirap" pero hindi ko sinabing "malungkot"! Mahirap man ang buhay ng isang researcher, masaya naman! Ngek! Panung mahirap ba kasi? Dahil ba di kalakihan ang sweldo? Or dahil mahirap talaga mag-generate ng stories? Sige na nga, kayo na ang magdecide kung bakit nga ba mahirap.. Eto ang kwento ko:

Ang buhay ko ay nagsisimula ng anung araw nga ba? Basta dapat, bago magtapos ang linggo, may story proposals ka na, not just one, not two, pero dapat ay more than 5! Para kung may ma-reject, maraming back-up! Ayun, pag na-approve na ang stories, derecho coordination na yan, tapos schedule mo na ang shoot for your segment producer (SP). At ang assigned shooting days ko lang ay every tuesday and thursday.. Problema ko na pag di ko nasunod yun! :D Dapat ka din mag-provide ng backgrounder or research for your SP.. so ang buhay ng isang researcher ay mula lunes hanggang biyernes na nageextend until weekends kung minsan! We spent hours surfing the net, reading newspapers, magazines, blogs; gumugugol din kame ng mahabang oras sa pagtawag sa telepono just to coordinate and do pre-interviews.. suki na kame sa 187 directory ng PLDT dahil dun namen kinukuha ang mga numbers ng mga companies na aming unang beses makakasalamuha! Syempre 4 researchers kame sa show, so talagang agawan kame sa PC at sa telephone.. hehe! Pero nagbibigayan naman kame nu! Tapos gagawa ka pa ng itinerary ng SP mo para sa shoot, dapat well-coordinated na ang shoot para walang problema, dapat ma-maximize mo ang buong araw kase yun naman talaga ang dapat.. Dapat hindi na kame sumasama sa mga locations, pero minsan kelangan kami sumama pag medyo di maayos ang coordination or kung talagang heavy or maganda ang story.. basta ang alam ko, di talaga namin hawak ang mga oras namen, dahil syempre nasa media kame, round the clock dapat kame (wow sekyu lang?).. May mga pangyayari pa na di namin inaasahan, mga "expect the unexpected" scenarios na sobrang mapapa-tumbling ka sa tindi, like di sumipot ang case study, late ang SP mo at maaapektuhan ang buong sked mo for the whole day, major adjustment talaga!, pinapapalitan ng SP mo ang case study, hihingi ng additional shoots or requirements for the story.. hay.. no matter how organized ka, masisira talaga ang organizational skills mo pag sa ganitong field ka magtatrabaho, PERO masaya naman talaga ang buhay namen!

Pag umere na ang segment mo, makakahinga ka na ng maluwag, ibig sabihin, next stories mo na dapat ang ginagawa mo at ang buong proseso ay mauulit na naman.. Sabi nga nila: "Wag ka munang kampante hangga't di pa umeere ang story mu".. Tama nga naman di ba? May mga araw na naka-tengga kame, kaya ayun, inuubos ang oras sa kwentuhan, sa pagkain ng pishbols, pagpunta sa 7-11, sa pagpicture.. hehe. Masaya talaga. Parang naglalaro lang kami. Pero pag ang pressure ay nandyan na, mag-aadik na kame. Di ko alam if this blog actually made sense, parang wala di ba? Super random ang pagkakasulat, alam na alam na sabog ang sumulat. hehe. Pero eto lang ang masasabi ko, you will never ever understand life in media if you are not actually part of it.. Agree or disagree? Di kase predictable ang buhay dito. Di pwedeng ma-contain sa mga libro lamang.. Pero ang researcher na kagaya ko na super bago pa sa larangang ito ay masaya naman.. Wait, I made sense pala, made sense out of fun.. :D So, macoy, mahirap nga ba talaga ang buhay researcher?? yes, mahirap na masaya! :)

I Died On The 5th Of December

I remember a chant in the movie "V for Vendetta" that starred Natalie Portman -- "Remember, remember the 4th of November".. and I have my own chant somehow similar to it -- "Never Remember the 5th of December"..

December 5, 2006 - who would have thought that I'll be in a relationship again after almost 4 long years of avoiding and depriving myself to fall in love. Yes, this date marked another milestone in my love affairs. It wasn't expected. It was just for fun, but the next thing we knew, we're serious about the relationship already.

The first few days were spent in adjusting to the set up we have. I was too attached with my friends then that placed my love life on the backseat. I was the type who would never yield to the demands of my partner, in a way, I was a bit apathetic (but in love).. Going home together wasn't a good idea for me, instead, staying out late with friends was better.. Reporting what I'm doing or telling my whereabouts wasn't my kind of game.. Let me live my life and you live yours, that's the deal.. BUT.. one day I woke up totally changed in dealing with our relationship.

WHY, you may ask, four things I'll tell you -- faith, trust, love, and respect are the answers to the "why" question.

Friendship wasn't really the foundation of our relationship, since we weren't friends before. We just used to see each other in the campus, belonging to one organization and one institute. The friendship actually started when we both attended a national congress for college students in Baguio from November 29 to December 3, 2006.. Two days after the congress, when we're finally back in Manila -- there came "us".

As I scribble my thoughts as of this moment, it's been 365 days since the birth of "us". Today, no anniversary is being celebrated - 2 days from now, it will be 5 months since we broke up.. The relationship may have just lasted for 7 months, one can't tell if it's short or long, but for me, it seemed forever.. :(

It was just infatuation at first, and infatuation died its natural death and love blossomed -- that's how our relationship built its foundation. Many has mistaken infatuation for love, but I tell you, and I need not explain, when is the time you know you are in love, truly in love.

COMPASSION. OBSESSION. DIFFUSION. These are the 3 factors you have to deal with when you made a decision to love.

You have to be compassionate with your partner, if not, what's the point of loving? Compassion signifies oneness. In a relationship, I believe, two individuals fuse as one. You love your partner without knowing why or how, you just love unconditionally. You share even you don't have anything, you give even without taking..

Along the way, without actually knowing it, you become obsess to your partner.. you'll never let a day pass without seeing him or her; you talk over the phone without recognizing the passing of time, you text till you both drop to sleep without missing the chance to say "I love you. Good night." and that's not all to it, you still chat over instant messaging, and you guys are connected in online communities like Friendster and Multiply.. and when you are together somewhere, there's no urge to go home even if it's already too late and you keep on saying goodbye but no one wanted to leave first and when you actually parted ways, you miss each other as if you never spent long hours together.. Obsession or not? Your partner never leaves your mind, whatever you do, wherever you are, so there, obsession.

But it has been said that some good things never last, no matter how colorful and promising your love life is, just like any relationships in history, it is bound to end and take its final bow. Here comes diffusion. You have to learn to detach yourself from anything that would remind you of your partner and even to him or her.. That's the way things has to be.. "letting go was never an easy thing" and "letting go was just another way of saying I will always love you so".. you simply have to let go and get hurt, get hurt until it hurts no more. Nights will be spent wondering what went wrong in your relationship, hugging your pillow so tight wishing you're together again, and you'll wake up feeling so alone and cursing the sun why it still dawned on you, wanting darkness to envelope you for eternity since losing your partner means death and yes, I died on the 5th of December.

Tomorrow I know I will love again. And with that, I will be resurrected.

"FIVE 4 FiGHTiNG" will always be in my heart, BUT I have to say goodbye for now, BEBI.. Let me love another so I will grow...

the X-men encounter..

November 24, 2007 -- i thought this day would just be another insignificant day of my life.. I was set to go drinking at night with friends, but it never occured in my mind that something "memorable" (but I rather forget) would happen.. where else? at Trinoma.

let me go straight to the point.. I had my closest encounter with my, yeah, "X".. 4 months after our break up that shattered my entirety. waah.. i did not expect na magkikita kame, imi-meet ko lang nun were my two friends (geraldine and leo) na friend niya din. so there, pinapunta din pala siya dun..

at bago siya dumating, i wanted to leave, kaya lang geraldine would get mad at me if ever umalis ako sa place.. so i stayed.. at ayun, dumating nga siya.. and I was obviously, disgustingly rattled sa presence niya. sabi nga ni leo, "Balisa" daw ako.. and i didn't know why.. we had encounters naman before but not as close as what happened that time..

so there. gee and leo made an excuse na punta sila sa rest room.. obviously, gusto lang talaga nila kame iwan even for some couple of minutes.. silence enveloped the spot where we were.. would i or not strike up the conversation? and siya ang unang nagtanong..

X: wala kang pasok ngayon?
Macoy: Kanina, tapos na.. saglit lang ako dun ehh..
X: ahh..
Macoy: Kumain ka na?
X: yep. kanina. sa school..
Macoy: ahh ok. dessert?
X: no. wag na.
Macoy: ok.

--silence again-- and gee and leo arrived.

then they talked.. i was just observing, kunwari attentive ako sa pag-uusap so i gave reactions like patawa-tawa, smiles, nods.. pero what i'm actually doing was observing my X.. kung panu siya tumawa, ngumiti, at magsalita.. na-miss ko lahat ng mga to sa kanya.. tinitigan ko siya kung anu ba ang nabago sa kanya, parang wala naman pero mali ako, lahat pala nagbago na between us.. we're like strangers with known names na lang sa isa't-isa.. di ko siya malapitan, mahawakan, maka-tawanan gaya ng dati, or even makausap man lang.. masakit pala yung ganun..

there. nauna na umuwe si leo.. so nagdecide na si X umuwe din. gee insisted na mag-dessert muna kaming 3.. pero ayaw nya talaga no matter how hard gee insisted.. di niya ako kinakausap so in return, di ko din siya kinausap.. nakakatawa kame.. i learned na binulungan nya pala si gee ng, "friend, i feel awkward, intindihin mu naman ako.."

AWKWARD?? haha. havent't i felt that, too? sino ba ang na-stuck, sinu ba nag di makapag-move on, sinu ang mas nasasaktan? di ba ako?!! so ako ang dapat may mas karapatan na maka-feel ng pagiging awkward.. (pero sige, you can feel that too.)

while walking towards the fx terminal outside trinoma, may nakakita sa amin na 3 students with green-checkered skirts (yes, students from FEU).. pointing at us.. and one girl yelled "uy si (name ni X), kasama si (name ng bago ni X), ayy hindi pala.."

hindi talaga! coz it was me and gee who were with my X.. and yes, napagkamalan ako at ang bago ni X ay iisa!.. upon hearing that statement, bigla akong nag-init, i grabbed gee sa arms niya and kinaladkad ko siya patawid ng north avenue disregarding the fast vehicles approaching.. a pajero almost hit gee and i didn't even think of her safety.. (sorry for that my friend).. when we reached SM The Block, i was a bit hysterical.. been asking gee if pwede na ba akong magwala where we were standing by that time but she calmed me..

we rode a cab going to N20 at sgt. esguerra kung san kame iinom talaga with our friends.. and it was a good venue to let out whatever i was feeling then.. mapagkamalan ka ba naman na ikaw at ang bago ng X mo ay iisa (b*llsh*t di ba?).. hahaha! ayun.. kawawang wall ng CR sa N20, yun ang napagtripan ko.. haha!

bow. :D lesson learned? ewan ko ba. makukuha sa tagay yan! :D

Not About You..

So as not to create confusion, a status you had claimed the day you pledged goodbye, I am making it clear. This is not about you.

It took you one day to write all your promises, but you broke them all even before you had them made. I can still taste the sweet words you whispered; only now, they have turned bitter.

That passionate look in your eyes simply took my breath away, but don't worry, it still does, only now, literally.

Of course this is not about you. Trust me.

Unfortunately, what we shared in the short time we spent has now crumbled into small pieces. I know you told me to put back all the pieces, which I did, and you know that. But it didn't last long. Soon enough it crumbled again long before I was able to put them back together.

Please understand that all this, I didn't plan. If you think there's someone better than I am, I wouldn't actually wallow on negative emotions. It may hurt at the moment, but hey, I really understand. Trust me, I do. And oh, I am not bitter.

And if you are thinking again that everything here is about you, it is not.

Remember when you told me you that you loved me, the sun was about to bid the earth goodbye, and when it came back to greet the world again, you chose not to love me anymore? It bears a strong resemblance to what we had shared, but I apologize, none of these is about you.

As you can see, everything here is about You...

and Me.

Balahura.. Ba-La-Hu-Ra! Balahurrrrr!

Dahil kami ay nasa media, medyo mga pakawala talaga kame (oo, kung anuman ang pagkakaintindi nyo sa word na yan).. ang researchers ng aming show (SAPULSO - QTV 11) ay sanay na sanay mangbalahura sa isa't isa. Eto na ang mga linyang tatalo sa mga linyang pumatok sa Primetime Bida at Telebabad! Chos! :D Kahit nga mga linya nina Ate Guy, Ate Shawie, at Ate Vi ay tataob sa amin! :D




Cast: Researchers NOT Coordinators:

--Donna Jane - babaeng may HITA! (all caps ang word na "hita") :D

--Aubrey - woman of the gangs (ng Payatas, Baseco, Tondo, etc.) :D

--Jessica - babaeng Jollibee o kaya DAISY DUCK! :D

--Macoy - alam na! ULO! :D

Eksena #1: Nagtatype si Macoy ng letter, eh magtatype din si DJ..

DJ: Macoy! Importante ba yan??
Macoy: Oo! Mas importante pa sayo! >:)



Eksena #2: Nagchecheck si Aubrey ng friendster account ng first and only ex-bf nya..

Aubrey: Hay.. Dati di siya ganyan. Ngayon marunong na sya mag-ayos..
Macoy: Te Aubs, kung pinagpalit ka nya sa panget, move on na, ibig sabihin, mahal nya talaga yun! :D




Eksena #3: May umeeksenang panget na lalaki kay DJ na ayaw niya..

DJ: Eew! Ayokong magkaron ng history na nakipagkita ako sa panget, lalo na pag sumikat nako! :D



Eksena #4: Nag-e-emote si Jess, nalaman niya na may anak yung chorva niya..

Jess: Macoy, may anak pala si chorva..
Macoy: So? At least napatunayan mo na lalaki siya! :D



Eksena #5: Nagwawala si Aubrey..

Aubrey: Waah! Tinanggihan ako ng mga gang! Ayaw ako i-gang rape! :D

--comment: "i understand them.. kahit gago sila, tao pa din sila!" :D peace!



SI MACOY BA ANG BIDA DITO? HEHE. MORE TO COME GUYS! NEXT ENTRY -- MGA PANALONG ONE-LINER NATEN AT MGA EKSENANG NAGPA-CART WHEEL SA ATING MGA RESEARCHERS (NOT Coordinators!) :D

A Change of Heart

November 20, 2007 -- I finally decided to leave the show (SAPULSO - QTV 11) and move forward, so, I submitted my resignation letter to my Executive Producer, Program Manager and Production Administrator. I kept the letter straight to the point. Read this:

For: Mr. Chito Chan

Executive Producer, SAPULSO

Cc: Ms. Marimil Gutierrez

Program Manager, SAPULSO

Ms. Rebecca Villareal

Production Administrator, SAPULSO

From: Marc Roland A. Infante

Researcher, SAPULSO

Date: November 20, 2007

Dear Mr. Chan:

I am writing to officially tender my resignation as a researcher of SAPULSO effective December 24, 2007.

I would like to extend my gargantuan thanks to the show for giving me a productive and memorable first job after college. The past few weeks have been a difficult time for me as I deliberated the direction of my career and whether it would be best served staying or proceeding to the plans I have even before my graduation.

Thank you and God bless!

Sincerely,

(sgd.)

Marc Roland A. Infante

Honestly, I was teary-eyed while writing the letter, I enjoyed everything I did for the show and it made my network of contacts grow, tremendously. I really love what I am doing, researching, coordinating, scheduling shoots, going to places I've never been, discovering new things, learning... BUT I have to stop now. It's not quitting, just a change of heart.. Believe me.

So there. I still have a month to work on my final stories, and bond with the people whom I've first worked with as a "professional". Now I'm changing path, the direction isn't clear yet, but I know, I have prepared myself for this. I'm into adventure, so trying another field would not harm me I guess.

"Proceed with the plans I have when I was still in college" -- I'm keeping this thought in mind.

Well, plans include studying again, I mean, taking a master's degree. Working in Makati with regular working hours, having your weekend worry-free of work-related matters. These are my plans, if anything among these won't work out, I better try again. :D

So there. Gotta post after this entry why and how I made it to work in a network despite being a non-MassComm graduate.. Watch out! :D

Of Snacks and Revelations

My buddy Edrienne (Edi) and I were comfortably eating snacks near the guard post of the building where we are working, when I unexpectedly and unintentionally narrated to her all that I was feeling that very moment. No influence of alcohol, but I was able to tell her all. Haha! Maybe I was just in a "natural high" state..

As if we're so free, I mean, people just passing by giving us quick stares but that's just it, quick stares.

We've shared same sentiments. Same views. She said, "When you want to forget someone, what you need is a new place, a new hobby, a new life and a new someone". Hehe. Hmm. Possible but then I told her, "What's hard about forgetting is that you have to remember what you have to forget".

It was an unforgettable talk, indeed.

Finding Glory in Online Writing?

I remember posting an entry last May 2007 (friendster blogs) that I already stopped posting blogs because I don't get glory from it.. and it made me realize that is it really glory we should get from posting blogs or the satisfaction that you have expressed your thoughts in a way more detailed and substantial? I think the latter. And now that I have finally retrieved my blogger account, it's all systems go again for me! :D

I think the real glory of online writing is achieved after each entry has been posted, when you have spoken your mind and let out your sentiments.

Blogging is not about how infallible your grammar is, not about the tense consistensies, and not how your subject and verb agreed correctly.. It's about self-expression.. It's your mind and heart speaking. :D

The Sound of One Heart Breaking

EVER COME ACROSS this Zen koan that JD Salinger used in one of his books? You know the one that asks what's the sound of one hand clapping. I don't know the answer to that one. But ask me what’s the sound of one heart breaking and I might provide you with some answers.

What is the sound of a heart breaking?

It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it's the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.

It's the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye," it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of a cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

It's the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "I love yous" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.

The sound of the waves of the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut.

The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear.

It's the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of dying birds getting splattered on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

--this was written by KAREN KUNAWICZ, a columnist of Manila Times and Mirror Weekly.. Also a correspondent of Music News Asia